Friday, October 31, 2014

Yes, yes, I suppose it is

I was talking to my cousin Lyrae about how tired I am of Jordan's penis. I'm tired of seeing it. I'm sick of hearing about it.

I'm over asking him to put on underwear. Our new rule in the house is that you have to at least have on underwear. Underwear is not just for company anymore. 

We all wear underwear, even if we're not wearing other clothes. Everybody.

And no, India cannot touch it in the bath, even if it is just out there for God and everyone to see. Your penis and your bottom are private. Nobody can touch them except Daddy, Nana and me, if we're washing you in the bath. And the doctor, as long as one of us are there. Except for us, YOU are the only person who can touch your own private penis. Nobody else.

But for heaven's sake, do you need to touch it all the time?

The answer seems to be yes.

Hey, look, you have a penis! Yes, I know you have a penis. We ALL know you have a penis. And yet somehow it's like a new surprise every five minutes. Hooray!

So I said to Lyrae, "It's a very penisy age."

And she said, "Haven't you noticed? It's always a penisy age."

Ah well, yah.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark...and we're wearing sunglasses.

I have started working on photo books, calendars, and holiday cards.

And oh my hell is this time-consuming! It's so fun to review the year, but it takes up a ton of time.

This is the inside page of the book that I'm making for Betty and for Nick's mom. I don't know if the latter will appreciate the humor, but I myself enjoy it too much not to include it.

Going through all these photos has been making me think about how much these little humans have grown over this past year. I mean, they were born with their personalities; that I truly believe. But as they get bigger, more articulate, and more confident, they express them more and more.

When these two play together, it is magical. I love hearing their little voices and their imaginations at work. India is often the bossier of the two, if you can imagine, but they both take after their father in this way.

They now like to play this game, typically in the kitchen when they're in everyone's way, whereby Indian holds onto the back of Jordan's shirt and then he runs around in a circle so she is half flying in the air and he is half strangulated.

They both enjoy it immensely.

Until one of them wants to stop. Either India, who is tired of being dragged, or Jordan, who is tired of being asphyxiated. They each have a shockingly high tolerance for both of these things. But at the non-mutual stopping point, it is always drama-trauma.

I'm trying very hard not to get involved until I absolutely have to, because apparently you are supposed to let your children work out their own conflicts and manage their own relationship to the extent possible.

While Jordan often wants to hit me, charge at me, try to knock me over (seriously - I don't know what it is lately, but it is all about physicality towards Mama), when it's between the two of them, India is the more violent of the two. Jordan tries hard not to do things that will hurt her, while she has no compunctions about braining him.

And then I get involved and they both cry - Jordan because he's been attacked and India because she's being prevented from getting another good whack at him - and it is the kind of scene that makes me want to take a whole bottle of wine into the bathroom and give myself a very long time-out.

But when they are not fighting, they are good little pals.

So I have high hopes that they will stay friends and if one of them goes to prison the other will be right there to greet them with open arms when they get out.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

20 things toddlers do not consider viable reasons for anything

  1. Because nobody walks outside naked. 
  2. It's too cold to wear that.
  3. It's too hot to wear that.
  4. It's dirty because you wore it yesterday. And the day before.
  5. Oh, but it's so cute!
  6. I paid a lot of money for that damn dress!
  7. Because it doesn't belong to us.
  8. Because you might fall and hurt yourself.
  9. Nobody else is eating the wood chips.
  10. Rats probably pooped on those wood chips.
  11. We're about to have dinner.
  12. You already had a treat.
  13. Because ice cream is always cold.
  14. It's too late for another story.
  15. It's the middle of the night. 
  16. Mama is very tired.
  17. Because it will help you grow up big and strong.
  18. Mmm! It's delicious!
  19. Because nobody likes to have a mouthful of water squirted at them.
  20. And also that bath water is full of soap and butt germs.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Seriously hope they grow out of this. It'd be so awkward in college.

You know how dogs meet and then immediately smell each other's butts all, hey, let's get to know each other!

Jordan asked about it, and I explained that it was kind of like us shaking hands with a new person. I was all, "Aren't you glad we don't smell each other's bottoms when we say hello?"

He found the idea both hilarious (because who doesn't want to talk about butts ALL THE TIME?) and revolting. I'd agree that it is both.

But I was thinking about it. I don't know what it is about children that compels them to try and taste random non-food things. Or maybe it's just my children? I dunno. And yet I cannot get my son to taste something new and delicious at the dinner table.

I mean, in this case, I get it. It's a GIANT M&M. Even if he has a face and arms and legs. My kids knew it was not a real candy, and yet they couldn't help themselves. Too tempting!

But you know, we used to have this big poster of that little wretch Elmo at our bus stop. He was promoting vegetables or gun violence or some such thing. Anyway, Elmo.

Every time we saw this poster, which was daily, the kids would go running towards it. "Ellemo! Ellemo!"

I was so glad when then changed posters. Because both of them would head straight up to it. And then open their mouths and press them against the bus stop glass.

It didn't matter how many times I told them that there might be all kinds of yucky things on the glass at the bus stop. They couldn't help their little selves.

Ellemo! You are so awesome! I just want to lick you!

The hell?

Friday, October 17, 2014

Just put it all in one place where I can see every single one of everything

I have to thank you all so much for generously sharing recipes and thoughts with me.

One of my friends said I clearly struck a chord, and this seems to be true. I got a tremendous inpouring (spell check is telling me this isn't a word, but I still like it) of comments here and on FB, and emails with recipes and laments!

Here is what I've learned: many of us are in the same boat. Some of you have been feeling the same shame. I love not feeling alone, and so do you.

Also, you have terrific and concrete ideas! I now have so many recipes and suggestions for books, approaches, and classes. I need to weed through them all. I didn't expect this wealth.

We are going to improve our dinner situation. I will let you know how this goes. I'm going to have to figure out how to organize them first.

And on this note...

Recently Nick hooked up a hard drive containing the contents of my long-dead laptop and loaded them on my so-not-new laptop. I kept meaning to but one thing and another got in the way. And then at some point I really wanted those old pictures and music and such. So he pulled it out and transferred files.

I looked for some things that I knew I had before but cannot find now and asked if he got it all. He said,"I'm not sure. Your filing system was...unclear."

"Oh. That might be because I don't file anything."

"I didn't want to suggest that and get you all defensive."

I'm a terrible filer. With physical files, it's more that it's just tedious. I do it, but only when I have to. But that's a matter of cramming a bunch of papers that go together in the same folder.

On the computer, it draws on some kind of skill that is not my strength. I think it's sort of like when I took probability and statistics and letters stood for whole calculations and I could never figure out the likelihood of pulling a green marble out of a deck of cards perched on a coin flip. Plus I couldn't bear never understanding what was going on and I was too depressed to drop the class so instead I just stopped going and spent my time eating chocolate peanuts.

It was a grand success, in case you're wondering.

It also harkens back to when I sucked at making outlines, because I couldn't decide if my A, B, and C topics were parallel, or if one should go under the other, and then making things parallel under them was just ugh. Now I make outlines with dots and lines and the parallelity doesn't matter.

Me, I could happily have everything spread out on my desktop. Except, you know, that you can't.